you know i get why the super villain in the story can’t stop talking about their plan before murdering their opponent

because i personally have to try really hard to stop telling people about why i did things

i was having dinner with my first girlfriend and her friend, and the friend brought up how much she heard of all the things i did for her on the 1st and 2nd dates. it was Glorious - i will say so myself The entire day’s plan, the whole thing. and i loved it because i did put in so much effort, and i knew she had a good time.

so i start glazing myself partly in a joking way. im so good - im so amazing - i do it incredibly, and so on. When the friend leaves, one of the things they discuss in private as she walks her out is how much i talked about how amazing i am. i wasnt there - i know this from her relaying the conversation back to me

now, this is one of the many times in my life where the jokes i made have fucked me down the line it’s actually happened a ridiculous number of times

and this situation poisioned her against me just enough to fuck it, especially because it’s a best friend’s opinion, and progressively throughout the remainder of the relationship, i became a person in her mind who was so narcisstic, someone who considered himself the absolute best. to the point where she would attack me on everything regarding my work because she felt i was meeting everyone and lauding myself in these rooms with all these people

there was a time where i was talking about self-doubt, and the look of suprise on her face that i experience such an emotion was so strong “YOU? Doubt Yourself?” no shit, bitch, everyone does

and in hindsight 20/20 ULTRA MAX, i will say that all rooms that matter are the ones where you can walk in and discuss how proud you are of yourself for going from 0 to 100. how you didnt know how to use a camera, how to draw a nose on the canvas, and now your images are indistinguishable from the cannes’ lions, and pablo would wink at you for the progress you’ve made on the canvas

i use to love talking about what i’ve done and what i’m going to do. i still love hearing guys tell me how they’re the shit. how they’re so good. GOOD! SHOW ME!! TELL ME. I LOVE IT. TELL. ME. YOU’RE GONNA MAKE IT. TELL. ME. YOU’RE GONNA BE BIG. tell me YOU ARE big. when i made WORRY, i knew from then i couldnt ever make a bad movie. one day, i get in conversation with master’s students. master’s in photography - i assume theyre all a bit older than me at least - with enough experience under their belt to “get it”. talking about this n that, i tell them i realised i cant ever make a bad movie now. my movies will always be at least good - because its impossible for me to let a bad one through.

i’d never seen a group of people go from conversational - to salty - so quickly. and my memory is biasing the interaction but it was 1 guy in particular. he couldnt stand to hear that i believed in my ability. who’s this young nigger who came to talk to us by the falafel shop. he does movies too, not basic bitch boy photography. the black guy in the group was the only one to see me as a human because as the others peeled off, we chatted about this n that, and he pontificated on how i cant just do a movie of a naked women just because i want to. because “what will people think” and what kind message will that send to them about u. and this is from the most boring basic useless nigger portrait photographer i’d ever seen. ho! ho! ho! i use up all my penniless bank account money shooting kodak portra and my images evoke the emotion that i care far more about people knowing im boring than doing anything that means anything.

just looked him up to laugh, and it’s very hilarious photographer AND an educator what do you do when you’re so pathetic that no one gives a shit? u teach at an artschool to more pathetic people like you. his portraits have this consistent rigidity - all the subjects are black and they all look pissed off, as if the feeling of inarguable constipation has hit them at moment of the announcement of being sold into slavery. he gets commissioned by the same old faggy publications too - the ones who can’t help but talk about how pathetic and useless niggers are, and how theyve been failed, and how they wont actually every do anything meaningful to fix anything. OMG Im looking more through his work - IT’S PAINFUL. every black person is so PAINED - DEEPLY PAINED, and it’s REALLY “ONLY” about struggle.

photos i took when i was 18/19. street photography i did way back when - CLEARS even the work he’s been awarded for. we all know i’ve long loved street photography. and this is why i’ll never respect these institutions. theres a certain way you’re meant to move with a camera to get the realness out of people, and it’s really a whole lot easier with photography than cinema, which makes all this even more hilarious.

these days, after you discount the people who simply don’t care, which is fair enough, there’s maybe 2 or 3 people i can truly unload a big plan and explanation of what i’m doing and why it’s going to be beautiful, and we can exchange things we both didnt know

the rest are so insecure about what’s going on in their lives that it consumes their every decision

i’m not gonna get into this because this humbleness thing, and competence, and the differing approaches to it from men and women. But as a man, you need to have bravado, otherwise you are nothing. and it’s a very classic women thing to pull a young man down, to keep him in check. play it safe. go with crowd.

you know, months in, the one thing she distinctly said about me was that i never tell her not to do something, and i always encourage her. she’d many times list a whole bunch of things she’d want to do. she wanted to make a website, i said “do it!”. and i gave her a list of the best beginners sites that i’d personally tried and told her the one i recommend. she definitely didnt create that site, as well as the many things and ideas she had, which is fine, shes just a girl after all.

even if im with an enemy, in the midst of war, i often can’t help myself from stopping to analyse and explain to them everything thats happening it’s too delicious - too maschisoyo

so the movies where the smart guy talks on and on, and then gets a bullet to the face are really very real, and realistic, and in fact i love when i see those scenes now.

i wanted to go on about the connection of this of bravado, of training black people to want chains & cars mercs and air maxes the system niggas were trained to revere to respect and enslave themselves TO the general social consciousness permanent underclass that you truly have to be neurodivergent to resist all these things To go against the general social consciousness consensus yet middle & upper middle class people are programmed to insist people change what they themselves even cannot to peer down at them and grunt the niggers who were trained to look down on other niggers i was one by the way. then the culture shifted and it became REAL to be a hood nigger but also intelligent and cultured. it became cool even and we went through 2 sides of resentment resenting not being treated as human, so we had to change who we are. then resenting having to change, going back to the hood - it’s cool now. capitalise QUICK now.

anyway, i cant be bothered to